I am a Sad Panda

There is this episode of South Park where the school has begun using this mascot to inform the children about sexual harassment. It's a bit sick and sad to have to inform KIDS about sexual harassment, but there is where I think you have a partial point of that episode. To further pad the increduluity (I made that word up) of the episode, the creators had the mascot be a panda, the "Sexual Harassment Panda." For those who were better occupied at that point in their life, you can quickly check out this clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4lLjYLNJDcw

At a certain point in the show, the mascot notes that he is, in fact, a very "sad panda." My hubby and I have since picked that line up from the show to identify the ridiculous in our life. For no other reason than it sounds funny, and usually works well enough to make the other person smile.

So, now that you are wholly thrown off point, yesterday I was a very sad panda. To top it off, there wasn't any real hilarity to the reason of the realization of what was going on. Yesterday, after getting some news that sort of sank my battleship, I think I hit some sort of realization about my life and what's going on with it right now. This enlightenment is definitely a mixed bag, mind you. Mostly, it's a sad, melancholy, grayish type bag. Which for the fashionista is quite fashionable this year, given the crappy economy and even bleaker outlook into next year (particularly if you are among the jobless right now. ...I use jobless because I HATE the word unemployed). And, ....sorry, if you're here for a good pick me up blogging, .....well, ....today this ain't the place to feast on the usual upbeat drum I play. Sorry again.

Back to the mixed bag. In the short term the underlying actuality of this "realization" means that I'm going to be a bit sad, a bit melancholy I think for a while. In the long term, however, I have to believe what is going on in my life is what has to be done, and thus, basically, I'm stuck at this place with no real way out.

This flash (at least to me anyway), was that being a mom - a full time, stay at home, wash the dishes and clean the house MOM - is lonely. First - I understand that I am the one to have chosen this road with all the fervor and determination of a woman claiming her freedom and her independence - except that I did it for the inverse reason, to stay home - and I wouldn't trade a second of my time with Munchkin for any other occupation out there. Not now in these first few years of his life. I want to be there for his smiling, his exploring, for every toy, spoon, fist and foot he puts in his mouth. I want to be there. I have to be here.

But.

It is lonely. I do stay in touch with my family, and my husband works at home so I get to see him, and talk to him of course (poor guy, .......talk about STUCK!), but I never realized how alienated you become, ...the ultimate caregiver to the kid. You get ousted from your previous life and societal merry-go-round you used to ride without even knowing the ride stopped and the carnival had moved to a different town. You're just there. Alone with your love, you kid,....and Munchkin is amazing. But, ....it's just us. And no one is going to come over for an afternoon of baby poop wiping and a dirty dishes cleaning bonanza. No matter how cool and appealing I think my kid is, this is it!! And all those things I used to take for granted (time to go to the gym, a pedicure every few months, getting my hair done, yoga, reading, coffee with friends, meaningful telephone calls and time to wax my legs (which my husband does actually bemoan as well), it is all gone. POOF.

Actually it feels a hell of a lot more like "SPLAT. Here is your new life."

Whaa?????

One of my sister's in laws tried to explain it to me once. I now want to flog myself and I feel like such a horrible, horrible haughty, judgmental feminatzi for not realizing at the time what she was trying to say - which basically is just freaking be my F$% friend!~!! Just call, email, etc. etc., just to let me know you still acknowledge my existence in this world. Maybe even watch the kid for me so I can go be social. Hello!!!!!! - knock knock!!!!!!! (that is her knocking on my forehead).

I get it now. What she was trying to hint at to the overly self-absorbed, dense matter of who I was (and still is sometimes), it that she ("me"(!!) now) hadn't, despite her self-imposed reclusiveness due to feeding and necessary nap time scheduling, fallen off the face of the earth. And us mothers, we love love love LOVE our little ones, so deeply we often cry when they are laughing. And who's kidding, for those of us who stay home by choice, we are waaaaaaay too anal to let anyone else raise our kid. Not that that's a bad thing. I just wonder if that means that it's going to be this way for a while?? Realistically, if I'm going to make sure he gets the sleep he needs (hence good naps at home, in a crib), eats well (food I make or what have you), and is connected to those who love him dearly (mom & dad), then it's going to be me at home, ...not a nanny. But then that means, well, ...that I really don't have time to go out and play like I used too. Even if we got a baby sitter a few days a week for a few hours, ...I guarantee you those hours would be spent grocery shopping or doing other house hold things and probably not a lot of "me" crap. So maybe it was all crap to begin with??

I realized last night that, outside of my husband, ...my life involves little else but the little one and me at this point. And though I would not change my decision, I do miss having the time with others outside the walls of our home. It's nuts. It's crazy. But that's the way it is.

If I'm going to raise Munchkin, it's going to be me. Dad has to be dad. I have to be mom.

That reality made me very, veeeeeeeery lonely yesterday. It hit because I found out I won't be able to attend a workshop with a yoga teacher here in December anymore (for those of you who don't know, I teach yoga too..........when I can). And YES, in the big scheme of things it is soooo not a big deal. It's pretty petty actually. BUT, it was something I was looking forward to, mostly because it was going to be paid for through the studio I used to teach at. That won't work out however because I recently was taken off the teacher's list because I just can't commit the time to the studio like I used to. That time is for family now. See, I can't in reality spend the time it takes to go take a class there because of the time away from home both in actual time spent there for the class (90 min+15 minutes to get in and out), the time spent going back and forth to the studio (a little over an hour), and the time it takes away from my time with my husband, who's already a little neglected considering that most of my time nowadays is spent on Munchkin. My family is part of my identity now and not that yoga studio. And for that place, if I don't live there I can't teach there. Hence, I won't be able to attend the workshop for free, which in turn means I probably won't go. Things are tight since I left work and the world decided to crucify bankers like my husband. But that's another posting.

It only takes a second of playing or crying with Munchkin though for me to realize what's important - and at this point it's him. I guess Mom's life can take a small hiatus while his life begins its journey. Since we're his parents, it needs to be us there with him.

Most of my friends who have gone back to work really didn't have the choice. Situations and finances required it. For the most part, that's us as well, but at the moment we are geographically situated in one of the bleakest areas for the kind of work that I do, with or without this pissy economy. So I'm staying home. I'm not saying that going back to work isn't in the cards for me. It is, but not at this age where every day is a whole new world for our little one. We are lucky right now to be able to enjoy it with him, and that's something I need not forget.

For most of our stay-at-home mom's out there, ....I just don't think we as a society understand (I didn't anyway) how much work this is and how isolating it is. Our working counterparts who had the choice and decided to go back tend to look down their nose at us as a little lazy, since they are doing both jobs, or at least wearing two hats at the same time. At this point I'd have to say I could not wear both hats well and with penache. I would look disheveled and disoriented with no real satisfaction for being able to do a really good job at either. That's just me though. I'm not that talented. Then there are the women who stay at home but have the luxury of not really cleaning or cooking and just mothering. To them I say bravo and I wish many many times a week I could trade places with you. Especially after having just destroyed the kitchen with an attempt to impress my husband. There are also, however, other women who stay home who don't cook, clean or really do any mothering either. Their time is not all that limited when it comes to their personal time because they actually have the time. I think the problem comes in because the tendency to forget the kid sneaks in here and there until it becomes a bad habit that ends up taking up most of your time. The child becomes a nuisance, which is beyond heart break for me. Please understand I'm not saying you completely lose your self in the kid and totally sacrifice your identity - we all need a break now and then don't get me wrong, but I can't imagine handing Hayden over to someone who's not his dad or gramma to change his diaper or to play with him while I get dinner going. When the other extreme comes into play though, where you are so wrapped up in you that the kid is nothing but an afterthought, well, that's just shitty. The relationship with the child suffers (or utterly fails to exist) and after that I think you get just a really nasty attitude in the family as a whole. Each member a bit more self centered than the other.

I think, and this may just be my own justification or self preservation method kicking in here, that mom's who skip time with their babies when they are so young are missing out. Many of my friends who have gone back to work say they wish they could stay home. And I think even with feeling this isolation that I'm feeling right now they'd still do it. We, and they, didn't have a kid so we would have another distraction or pet project we'd only enjoy for a few minutes after work and sometimes on the weekend. There's a sector of our society that does that and we're not it. We had a child in order to have a family. A genuine, feeling, laughing, fighting family. That means you need to be there to be a part of it. As much as you can.

Us outcast, "unemployed" and hairy legged mothers don't regret our choice. It just feels unappreciated.

I get that now. And I guess it takes becoming a mom, ...a house cleaning, dish washing, dinner making, rushing to the store, rushing to the baby when it cries mother, to understand just how lonely it is.

Well, this lonely, tired momma is signing out. Tomorrow is a new day and I can't wait to see it.

Smoochies.

Shahan